| New Avatars and Boredom |
[Sep. 4th, 2004|09:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
Amazing how much free time I have now that I don't have a boyfriend...
I have spent the day today vegging out in front of the computer. As I've stated, I find quizzes relatively pointless, so I won't be posting my results here (except for that one, that was really funny).
So that's why there is a new avatar here - I just got finished messing with Yahoo! avatars and made a cartoon version of myself. The screenshot didn't turn out all that well, but its not bad.
I'm supposed to be going out to lunch tomorrow with my (huge group of) friends - italian. I'm looking forward to it!
The way we do it, we all know where we're going, and the first person (or couple) there orders the food (usually four or five dishes, depending on how many are coming - its usually 12 to 14 people though, so its always a lot of food), while the last pays for all of it. Its kind of expensive, but we have all been at the end of it so it all kind of evens out.
Typically, Pete and Rose are the last ones there - they spend all of their time making out and forget to actually come into the restaurant. And TJ and Abby are generally first - they're very punctual, and they make out on their own time. *heh*
Maybe, if no one's busy, we'll go out and do something afterwards. Of course, everyone's all coupled off (except for myself), so chances are they'll go off and do their own things and I'll just go home.
Unfortunately, all of my friends are straight, so there won't be any secret, drunken snogging...
And even more unfortunately, the 'most wonderful person' I've referenced is actually my best friend Chandler, whom I've gained a rather severe crush on, and who is also dating a woman he's been seeing for almost four years. AND who is my ex-boyfriend's (not identical in any sense of the word) twin brother.
Oh well. Maybe after lunch I'll go out and see what's going on. It is a holiday weekend, afterall... |
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| Oh my GOD! |
[Sep. 4th, 2004|04:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
I'm bored, I'm lonely, so I've been taking quizzes. For the most part, the results are completely stupid and not worth my time, but this is more true than any other quiz I've ever taken!
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| Torment is in the Eye of the Beholder |
[Sep. 4th, 2004|12:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
I know, by now I seem like the most horrible person. I have only written bits and pieces of what has been going on, rather than give whole details and senarios.
I broke up with my boyfriend of three years this morning (well, technically yesterday) - all because of my stupid mouth. I told him that I wasn't sure if he loved me, or if I loved him. Even though I know I do, and I know he does.
I watched his blazing blue eyes dull. I watched his heart break within them. And I tried to take it back, that I didn't mean it, that it was just in the passion of the moment...
But the damage was done.
Now, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, all I can do is let him pick up his pieces and I have to pick up mine.
I have been surrounding myself with my friends for support. My newest (and possibly best) friend, Chandler, has been with me every step of the way. He told me that I was making the right decision, that Chris and I were damaging to eachother.
So, now that I've explained myself, maybe I won't come off as such a wretched beast, just a man who made a decision that may well affect the rest of his life, beit for better or worse. |
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| Perhaps I'm just fickle... |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|05:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  flirty | ] |
I have met the absolute most wonderful person. Its like, my whole life has completely changed; I feel like the world is a better place. Its in his eyes, its in his smile. It's in the way he looks at me, and jokes with me; the way he walks, the way he talks... The way his eyes flare with passion when he is desperately trying to find the right words to express himself, the way his whole face scrunches with frustration when he can't. The way he laughs, so easily, with me. His thoughtfulness, his heart. Its in his voice; a voice so lighthearted, or one so furiously passionate. The way he sings to me, even if he doesn't realize it. His shyness. He's completely amazing. And all I want to do is tell him, every day, every hour, every minute, how much he means to me. How much I want to spend all of my time with him. How he makes me feel like I'm worth something. How I feel like I can just be myself and its okay, because that's why he likes me. How... content he makes me feel, how whole he makes me feel. I want to tell him how he's all I ever think about, how he is my smile and the stars in my eyes. I want to tell him how wonderful his smile is, and how he should never be without it.
It sounds too good to be true, but it is true, because I know him. I know his heart, his mind. He's my best friend. He's more than that. He's... wonderful. |
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| A life, destroyed. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|01:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I am such a fucking idiot!
So many other things I could have, I should have said.
I wish I said.
I can't believe I've done this. I've destroyed everything.
Everything I've ever had, Everything I've ever held dear to me.
Everything I've ever loved.
I do love him.
I do.
Why the hell did I say those things? I never ever meant them.
Ever.
I should have said that I love him so much and I just wanted to talk to him.
Its the truth.
But now... now there isn't anything I could ever do about it.
I've completely destroyed my life, and by the way he's acting I've destroyed his too.
Because I am just too damn insensitive.
And now he'll never forgive me. Ever. And I know he won't. He said he'll try...
I don't think he'll try.
I can't expect him to love me. Not after what I did to him.
I am such a fucking bastard!
God dammit!
I've ruined everything.
Everything.
And now, now I don't even feel like I'm happy with anyone else. Sure, I get along with people, and I laugh sometimes, but I don't feel it.
Really.
When I go to my room at night, I cry myself to sleep.
And I haven't done that in a long time.
Because now, I'm alone.
I have people, but I'm alone.
And I feel like I'm not myself anymore. My life has been completely torn into pieces. And I'm not blaming anyone, it isn't anyone's fault but my own.
But I feel like I'm not whole anymore. Like someone has ripped out a major chunk of my heart and tossed it into the abyss of darkness.
And every time I see him I ache.
I feel so...
helpless.
Broken.
Destroyed.
And its all my damn fault.
What in hell, what demon possessed me to say those horrible things to him?
I don't mean them. I never meant them.
But he can't possibly understand that.
Ever.
Not that I expect him to.
He has every right to hate me – he has every right to despise the one who so tore his life into pieces.
I had such a precious gift, a beautiful gift, a perfect gift... and what did I do?
I was careless.
I let it go.
I crushed it in front of his eyes.
I want everything to be the way it used to be. I want everything to be perfect again... like they'll never be again.
I am such a fucking idiot... how the hell did I let him go?
How?
I can't believe what a fucking moron I am.
I should never have messed with perfection.
My problems and thoughts were so petty compared to perfection.
Perfection was what I had... what I will never ever have again.
Ever.
There's no way I could ever get what I had back, with anyone. I had the best. The absolute most wonderful thing I have ever had, and more, I'm sure, than anyone else has ever had.
I had what everyone has ever dreamed of.
Passion.
Romance.
Caring.
Intimacy.
Love.
I had love.
And more than I ever thought I had.
I guess you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
But I don't want to say goodbye! I want to be with him forever!
I want his eyes,
his hair,
his smile,
his smell,
his kiss,
his words...
I want him back more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.
But I can't have him.
He can't love me anymore.
He can't.
Ever.
I feel so...
empty... |
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| Desperation |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|03:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to go crazy. This is so weird... I never imagined that something like this would happen to me.
I feel so...
separated...
alone...
confused...
I don't know what's happening to me. I thought everything was perfect, that everything was going exactly how I always wanted it to go. I was in love.
Was...
Am I not now? God, I have no idea anymore. Everything is different now. All the rules have chanded...
changed.
Maybe I shouldn't spend any time with him at all. But I enjoy being around him, he makes me feel good about myself, and we have a good time.
I don't get that from anyone else.
Sure, I get love and attention...
sometimes.
But sometimes I just get neglected, like now.
I know I shouldn't be so selfish, but everyone's allowed it sometimes, right? Everybody wants to feel loved and wants to get attention somehow. What I've come to realize is that I haven't feel this good in a long time. Emotionally, psychologically.
It isn't right. It shouldn't feel right. But it feels more right then things have for a while now. Why do I have to be so torn? And I don't even know if he's attracted to me at all.
Hell, he could still deep down hate me... no, there's no way. You can't hate someone and act like he does.
But he's... well... I don't even know that for sure anymore.
He makes me feel special.
That's all I ever wanted, I think. And he makes me feel like that. It's a warm, gooshy feeling.
But there's something else, something I've never felt before. I don't know quite what it is, but its so... fluttery, almost like butterflies, but deeper, and stronger. And it happens every time when I see him, when I think of him, when I talk to him... and I don't feel that way towards anyone else...
Oh, this is so wrong!
But its so right...
I guess I'm just a horrible person, then. I'm cheating on him with his brother, even if its just in my mind.
But I don't want to hurt him! He means so much to me. He means the universe to me. And I love him...
I think I love him...
I thought I loved him...
I really like him a lot.
Oh God, what am I doing? What a great person I am, the second there's a strain, I go running to someone else. Why the hell am I so horrible?
What did he do to deserve me doing this to him?
Absolutely nothing.
So he found some of his old friends, so what? I should be supportive of his wants and desires and shouldn't get so fucking depressed. But I...
I...
I don't know anymore. I don't know what's going on.
Everything's spirialing outta control and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. Because I don't want to hurt either of them.
And I don't even fucking know if he loves me!
I don't even know if he would persue me if he did.
I had a dream last night. It was the first time in a long time my dreams weren't clouded and dark, full of shadows and dark concepts, haunting and creepy images. This one was perfectly clear, and happy.
And it was only of a kiss.
One single kiss.
It was also the first time in a long time that, aside from creepy images, it wasn't just about sex.
One single kiss.
And when I woke, I was trembling. I haven't felt like that in a very long time.
I don't know why Chandler said this helps. Now I only feel worse. |
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| An Introduction |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|12:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
For those who don't know me, or don't know who I am, this entry is for you.
My name is Jeremy, I'm gay (as obvious - my screen name is j_mcfaggot - heh), I'm a musician, and I live and work in New York City.
I was born in Ireland in 1972. My mother is Irish, while my father is an American. I've never met him - he left my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me.
I grew up in Dublin - well, if by 'grew up' I mean until I was eight and my mother moved me to California. Ironically, my mom met an Irishman soon after we moved, and he later became my step-father.
I don't have a lovely Irish accent, however - except when I'm really drunk or upset - I've been stateside for far too long.
This is my life. Read if you like - I need a confessional outside of the church sometimes. |
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